Meet Susanne White, Caregiver Warrior!

 Joanna talks with Susanne White, the Caregiver Warrior, about her personal journey as a caregiver and the lessons learned along the way. They discuss the importance of self-care for caregivers, coping strategies, and the emotional toll of caregiving. Suzanne shares insights on building relationships with loved ones, understanding parental resistance to help, and the significance of community support. The conversation emphasizes the need for caregivers to trust themselves and find joy amidst the challenges they face.

https://www.caregiverwarrior.com/

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Joanna Anderson & Sue Nicolaidis

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Transcript

You Forgot AI (00:00)
On today's episode, Joanna talks with Susanne White from Caregiver Warrior. For more information, check out www.caregiverwarrior.com. Find Susanne on Instagram at Caregiver Warrior. Susanne's new book, Self-Care for Caregivers, is available on Amazon.

Jojo (00:21)
It's bring your pet to work day.

You Forgot (00:26)
Storming out so Cher is being psychotic

Jojo (00:31)
Well, this is Claire most days. He just wants to be cheek to cheek at all times. ⁓

You Forgot (00:35)
Really? That's how he sits with you? Oh my God, he's

so cute. Clarence!

Jojo (00:41)
Little

guy, he's, ⁓ he needs more pets.

You Forgot (00:45)
my god, did he just flag you? my god, he's doing that cute thing he does. Here, do something cute. Do something cute. Her eyes look milky.

Jojo (00:48)
Yeah.

Thank you!

I cannot believe how much she looks like Poppy. It's crazy.

You Forgot (00:59)
Mm-hmm.

Jojo (01:01)
Okay, anyways, welcome to the pod. It is a rainy Sunday afternoon and I just drove in from Oklahoma City.

You Forgot (01:12)
Tell me about last night.

Jojo (01:13)
Okay, so Matt had his 30 year high school reunion that we talked about last week. He pulled it off without a hitch. I have to say it was phenomenal. We had it at Remington Park, which is like the horse racing place. We have one here in Dallas, but I've never been. But now that I've been to that one, I'm like, well, that seems like a really fun thing to do.

You Forgot (01:24)
Nice!

⁓

Is it the one down in like Grand Prairie?

Jojo (01:41)
The one

we have, I know it's super far away.

You Forgot (01:44)
yeah, I went to want a horse thing races in like Grand Prairie

Jojo (01:50)
Well, he had a, we had a room and they

had like inside and outside. So the outside overlooked the racetrack. There were no races going on, but it was just kind of nice to have that option. And the weather in Oklahoma was crazy nice this weekend. Like almost like chilly, which was weird for August. ⁓ But ⁓ no, we had a barbecue buffet. He had a open bar, not open bar, but like a cash bar. ⁓

You Forgot (02:19)
So he ordered

catering all by himself and everything?

Jojo (02:22)
Yeah, so it was like, he just went through the event lady at this place, almost like having a, yeah, so she arranged everything and it was just like a package deal. It was super fun. And then, you know, I told them, was like, don't worry about me. Like I can work a room, even if I don't know people. And I didn't want him to feel like he had to babysit me. so, ⁓ thankfully Sarah was there because Daniel graduated with Matt and also Sarah's sister graduated with Matt.

You Forgot (02:26)
⁓ perfect.

⁓

Jojo (02:52)
So

Sarah and I worked the check-in table and we got people, we gave them like their first free drink for free. So they got a little drink ticket. they filled out their name tags. We crossed them off the list. Matt had a little printed list for us that we went. And if they had paid for a plus one or not, he was very organized. yeah. So Sarah and I worked that and then we had to be out of there by 10, but those people were not ready to go home yet at 10.

You Forgot (03:06)
He did?

Where was that after?

Jojo (03:21)
And Matt doesn't drink,

but he was like, well, I have to go to the after party. And you know, I don't stay up past 10. But I was like, okay. So we went to the cutest little bar called Gatsby's and luckily no one was in there until all like 50 of us got there. And so we didn't stay very long and I was like, we got to go. It's now midnight. Like I do not stay up this late. So, but it was fun, super fun.

You Forgot (03:46)
Remember back in the day, Oprah would be like talking about kidnapping though, but she'd be like, you never want to get taken to the second location. That's how I feel about after hours now, like hell no. I'm, I used to not follow that rule. I was just like, let's go, let's go. Like, you know, don't want to miss out on like this fun, especially if it's like something like that, you know, not, you know, an every weekend type thing.

Jojo (03:54)
Yeah

No.

Yeah.

You Forgot (04:13)
But like just even like our family wedding back in June, you know, the kids all wanted to like go, there was like a hotel bar close by something, something I'm like, Nope, Uber coming. Like we gotta go like nothing good is gonna happen.

Jojo (04:25)
Yeah, yeah,

good is gonna happen there. It was crazy that I remembered some of the people went to college with me because I went to college in the same town as their high school. So I knew them. But then like I've seen these people at the 10 year reunion, the 20 year reunion and now the 30 year reunion because Matt and I just been together for so long. So it was fun. I know.

You Forgot (04:46)
my God, that's wild.

I've never gone to a reunion or I don't think Anthony has either, But yeah, I haven't had to do that. I want the whole like, and Michelle,

Jojo (04:57)
Yeah. my

30 year reunion is at the end of September and I've never gone before, but it's literally in downtown McKinney this time. And I can, I can walk there. So me and some high school friends are going to meet up for dinner. Maybe they'll like park at my house because there's no parking. We'll walk down to dinner and then walk to the reunion. Like perfect. So it'll be fun.

You Forgot (05:07)
my god.

Yeah.

Jojo (05:22)
the end of the day, Matt had like 80 people show up. Mayor Matt!

You Forgot (05:25)
They all wanted to see Mayor Matt.

Hi, Bear. You want to come back up? my god.

Jojo (05:32)
Okay, but tell

me about your weekend.

You Forgot (05:35)
⁓ last night I went to see ⁓ my chemical romance and garbage opened up. So remember, Shirley Manson from garbage? Yeah, that was basically why I wanted to go. You know, I like my chemical romance. I remember I saw them a bunch back in the day. But I was also like, well, I kind of miss I never cared because

Jojo (05:43)
⁓ Yeah!

Super Fight!

You Forgot (06:02)
I was raising kids, like babies, right? You know what I mean? Like their first record came out in like 2001 and it was like, you know, I wasn't, I didn't give a shit about new music. If they didn't play for me, I didn't, you know what I mean? I didn't care. And they played the Agora like after we had left, like the year Jude was born or something. but yeah, it was cool. They put on like a really cool show and it was actually a fun night.

Jojo (06:04)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Where was it at?

You Forgot (06:29)
Globe life.

Jojo (06:30)
Okay.

Okay, what do we have going on on the pod today?

You Forgot (06:34)
We have our interview with Suzanne White, also known as the Caregiver Warrior. She's really cool. She started her ⁓ caregiving journey with her parents and it turned into caring for several family members through the years and she decided to

start sharing everything she had learned for people that are maybe just going through this, just starting their journey, And she has a new book out. It's called Self Care for Caregivers. And she really just, you know, wants to highlight the fact that you can't be a good caregiver for other people if you're not taking care of yourself. And she just has a ton of strategies and ⁓

a little toolbox of all kinds of ideas. she says, she's like, some might work for you, some don't. Like, it's just, we're all different, ⁓ kind of going through the same thing, but everybody handles things differently. And she has a great website with her daily blog and tons of information, really informative. She was really cool. I think everyone will like it.

Jojo (07:47)
Yeah, I did too. Yeah, very informative, super helpful, and she has a book out. I don't know. Did you just say that? Sorry, I wasn't. ⁓ I wasn't paying attention.

You Forgot (07:53)
I did. Are you hungover?

You weren't listening to me ramble.

You're like, goes Sue. She'll come back around to the topic eventually. That's okay, Joe, I get it. But yeah, so that's, that's for your listening pleasure now. And as far as you go, I'm gonna hang up on you because you're not listening to me anyway.

Jojo (08:13)
Alrighty.

You Forgot (08:28)
Okay, bye.

Jojo (08:28)
Alright talk to you soon.

Jojo (08:33)
Hi, today's guest is Suzanne, the Caregiver Warrior, an author, advocate, and veteran family caregiver who turned her personal journey into a mission to support others. After caring for her parents through illness and dementia, she emerged with powerful lessons in compassion, resilience, and self-care. Her new book, Self-Care for Caregivers, is a guide for anyone navigating the emotional rollercoaster of caregiving. Suzanne, welcome to the show.

Susanne White (08:58)
Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Jojo (09:00)
We're so excited that you're here and I actually read your book yesterday. And it was, I got it on Amazon, by the way. You can get it wherever books are sold. I got mine on Amazon. And it was so good and so relatable for me because right now I'm still in the very thick of it with my mom who has Alzheimer's. But I wanted to jump in and just kind of ask you, what was your personal experience?

Susanne White (09:06)
Thank you.

Jojo (09:28)
with your caregiving journey. Like who did you care for? How did it begin? Just kind of that beginning story.

Susanne White (09:35)
Just

give you a little background. Yeah, my first caregiving journey was with my mom and dad. ⁓ My mom was diagnosed with dementia and my dad had heart issues and they were in their late 80s. Then the thing that was interesting is that they were, I was just thinking about this today, they hid it from us for such a long time, because they were a really good team together. He had been in World War II ⁓ as a ⁓ veteran.

as he was a bombardier pilot and he was shot down and survived and kept his legs and the whole thing. But she kind of took care of them. And I don't know what happened there, but something happened. The bond the two of them had together was extreme. I think that's true for lot of that generation, but they were like really, so they kind of hid it from us and worked really well at hiding it because my sister and I both lived away from them. they had, so what happened was that my sister was kind enough to,

do the holidays for us in Florida. So we were all gathered and when they were flying down, it's not funny, but you know, it's life. My dad, ⁓ my God. So my sister, you know, like my sister calls me, I'm still in New York. My sister calls me and says, mom and daddy, and I can, and I know my sister so well. And she said they just took, they had to take daddy off the plane in a wheelchair. Cause she was so weak and sick, you know, from the flight he couldn't get. And I was like, what? You know.

Jojo (10:41)
We'll have all the time on this.

Susanne White (11:02)
And he had caregiver burnout, basically. I mean, he was, he was not feeling great himself either. had walking pneumonia at the time, but it was basically because she was starting to really show signs of the early stages of dementia and he just couldn't do it alone. So I said, Hey, you know, you want me to help? And he said, yes, so fast. I was like, okay, you know, and that's what we do, you know, as caregivers, which that's, that was it. So that was the calling and I'm, I rose to the call and not knowing.

what I was doing or what it entailed or what it meant, but ⁓ it was a journey of a lifetime.

Jojo (11:37)
Yeah, and you know, none of us really know what we're doing at the very beginning, but it's almost a gift that your dad really accepted the help right away.

Susanne White (11:46)
My dad was the best. My dad was so good. My mom, they were complete opposites. My mom gave me such a hard time and she was the one that really kind of needed my help and more help in certain ways. Although he did opt for open heart surgery at 87 to help me take care of her. was amazing. He was so grateful and communicated it. And we were always, we got along really well kind of, but.

Jojo (11:48)
Yeah.

Susanne White (12:14)
We really got to know each other, my dad and I, because he was just so easy. Like it was, you know, we would talk about stuff and he said, I'm getting to really understand you. It was wonderful. My mom on the other hand was like, you know, kind of more difficult. it was great though, cause I learned a lot about them and I learned a lot about me, you know, on a level, on a level that I never had before.

Jojo (12:33)
Yeah!

It's such a humanizing experience, especially with our parents. You know, a common story or theme that we see a lot is parents trying to hide it from their children. Or in my mom's case, she was single and she was hiding her symptoms from us and she was really good at it. Why do you think parents do that?

Susanne White (12:58)
Well, you know, I completely know why. I thought I knew why I did it then, but now I understand it even more because, I recently had brain surgery a couple years ago and I knew I was going to watch myself. I said, okay, so now you're really on the other side of it because there was never anything wrong with me ever. So you watch yourself as a caree, you know, and you don't, there's a lot of reasons.

One is you're frightened yourself, you're afraid what's gonna happen. So kind of it's like, you wanna try to be as normal as possible. You don't wanna bother anybody, know, cause you know that you can see that they're concerned and they care about you and you don't wanna trouble them. And it's really difficult to admit that something serious is wrong or something's going wrong or...

You know, you could be facing the end of the road. No, it's a very, it's very, it's, know, and I think there's so much fear with dementia and grief that as long as we can hold on, we try to hold on because we don't want to face it. You know, I had a really, yeah. And I think for me, my defense mechanism is to communicate, which is why I can, love to hear myself talk.

Jojo (13:58)
Totally, it's scary.

Yeah.

Susanne White (14:22)
I communicate, you know, and that's what I had to do with my caregivers. And now I realize that even more so that my mom and dad were both so scared, you know.

Jojo (14:33)
Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing is I recently had a ⁓ minor health issue that I didn't know the answers to yet till we got some scan results. I didn't mention it to my children because I didn't want them to be scared. So it's like try to control as much as you can. Yep.

Susanne White (14:45)
Yeah. Yeah.

on both sides of the fence, right? We

try to, we're both, you know, we think that I think I'm the only one trying to control it, but obviously they were trying to control it. My mom was really trying to control it because she was a very formidable, determined, strong personality. And I can only imagine the anxiety and fear and anger she felt.

Jojo (15:13)
Totally, totally. can only imagine. So caregiving can take a toll on us emotionally, mentally, physically. Do you have any coping strategies that helped you the most? Like on a day-to-day basis?

Susanne White (15:26)
Well,

you know, in my book, there's like 140 strategies, like literally there's 140 strategies. Right. So, and I probably end up using like 139 of them. cause like, you know, it's a toolbox cause we have the best intentions, but one thing will work one day and completely blow up in your face the next day. You know, I think the biggest one for me that I've walked away with is self-awareness.

Jojo (15:43)
Yeah.

Susanne White (15:55)
Like just getting in touch with my body, my mind, you know, when I'm thinking about my inner dialogue, you know, there's multi layers to being self-aware, but we really need to check in. always say we need to take our emotional temperature a couple of times a day. So I think that that, I think that's the basis where all the other self-help things or self-healing things stem from is just what's going on.

Jojo (15:58)
Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, I actually wrote that down as I was reading your book, Taking My Temperature. I'm one of those that I don't like to talk about feelings or emotions and it's really hard for me to figure out what I'm feeling. So I get a little assistance from therapists to kind because I can tell them, this is what's going on, but I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. And then they can kind of help interpret me on that.

Susanne White (16:43)
Yeah, therapy and therapy was wonderful. I I had, I still have a therapist. Therapy, had therapy, had caregiving groups, I had caregivers that I called on. mean, community is a really big, big source of feedback, you know, and that's really important. It's like, we're talking here today, exchanging stuff that we have so much in common. And I think community and feedback and therapy and all those great things are.

Jojo (16:57)
Yeah.

Susanne White (17:11)
amazing. I wouldn't have survived without.

Jojo (17:14)
I know. And it's, it's almost, I'm almost in a luckier position than Sue because I'm going through this in the age of social media and podcasts. And there's just so much more like tools and community out there for me. ⁓

Susanne White (17:29)
Exactly.

And that's why I wrote the book because at the time, it was, you know, at the time when I was actually my first caregiving journey with my parents, like there was stuff, but there wasn't a lot of stuff yet. And I was just like, and I had a lot of people say to me, nobody tells you about this. people don't, and still.

Jojo (17:39)
Yeah.

Nope. People don't talk about it.

Yeah, and still people don't talk about it. Okay, so I have a two-part question for you. We have a lot of listeners who are just beginning this journey, maybe haven't even moved their loved one into assisted living. And then we have people like me, I've been in it for five years and it's still sometimes a huge slog for me. What advice do you have for the newbies? What advice do you have for people like me?

Susanne White (18:15)
Well, for the newbies, because I'm sure that 90 % of us have just jumped in. In other words, not necessarily full out, but we say yes so quickly and that we're in it. Whether we're there part-time or long distance or we're caring, assisting, whatever, we jump in right away or think we want to jump in right away. And then we second guess ourselves. It's like I've had so many caregivers. And dear friends say to me,

What do I do? What do I do? And I'm like, you don't have to know anything. The first thing to know is just start and trust, you know, just start and trust. not like one of the things that really hurt me. There were three things that really hurt me. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to be a perfect caregiver. I wanted to do it alone because I could handle everything and I could show everybody that I could do this. And then I wanted to do it right away. So.

Jojo (18:53)
That's so good. Yeah.

Susanne White (19:14)
All of that stuff, just try to shove it to the street and just start. You'll get there. You'll find the answers. And it's different. Every journey is different. You never know what's gonna happen. It's like life. You just have to wake up and like show up and you'll get there and you gotta trust yourself.

Jojo (19:29)
Yeah.

and you're gonna make mistakes and that's okay. ⁓

Susanne White (19:40)
I'm a walking mistake!

Jojo (19:42)
Me too, me too.

I ⁓ went to visit my mom on Saturday and at this point I know that she doesn't know who I am, but I still go to see her because I know that it makes her happy. But then I had like a little sad day afterwards. And so do you have any advice for the people who are like, I know what the situation is, but I still get sad about it.

Susanne White (19:56)
Yes.

Yes. And I think we have built in forgetters for a lot of things, including how people react to us sometimes. And I think you just said a very powerful thing and I don't want to skim over it. was just that you know she doesn't remember you, but you know it makes her happy. I think, and I being sad about it afterwards is normal and there's really nothing to do about it, but feel that. Although,

Jojo (20:27)
Yeah.

Susanne White (20:36)
you can feel better about it because you do make them happy. know, they may not know who you are. They may not remember our names or they may not make a immediate connection, but the way they know the way you make them feel and they do, they do, understand that you love them. And what greater gift is that? And I think it's very much like, you know, when we're

Jojo (20:52)
You can see it in their eyes.

Susanne White (21:04)
very young and very little, you I think it's that feeling of when we're lucky enough to have good childhoods, you know, it's that love that we receive, you we don't really necessarily know what's going on, but it's a feeling. And I think it comes back at end of life. And it's really hard because you miss your relationship, you miss your parent, you missed your loved one, you miss those people, because they're different and you miss who you are to them.

Jojo (21:18)
Totally.

Susanne White (21:34)
That's very big, very, very big. And there's going to be lot of sadness and grief around that and give yourself space to feel that. But man, when somebody smiles at you or you see them calm down and relax a little bit and not be so, and to actually feel joy and happiness, it's an extraordinary gift and you're making a big difference.

Jojo (21:58)
It's so true. And you just said something that I've literally never thought about before. You know, I grieve my mom, but I never thought about it, that I grieve that I was a daughter to her. And I'm a cryer. Sorry. I cry every episode. But I never thought about that, that maybe I'm grieving being a daughter too, because she doesn't know that I'm her daughter.

Susanne White (22:13)
That's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's absolutely, I mean, and we're not even aware of it sometimes, you know, because we're so in the mix of selflessly trying to make somebody safe and warm, you know. And that's huge when you're doing that for someone else's life that we don't necessarily have the time

to understand the grief that we're feeling and that, wow, like I really want my mom. Even though my mom at times was really tough to deal with. ⁓ Yeah, well, my mom and I were like oil and water. mean, because we're so much alike, you know what I mean? And I'm the oldest, yeah, I'm the oldest daughter.

Jojo (22:54)
Yeah.

think all moms were.

really?

Are you the oldest daughter? Yep, there you go.

Susanne White (23:16)
Well, yeah, but my personality, think it's interesting. And I used to think like we were so different, it's because we're so much alike. ⁓ My mom and her, you know, and now in hindsight, I can see all the amazing things she taught me and gave me and who she was and through caring for her. And I want to maybe, maybe it's time to say this, that, you know, if you're doubting yourself or doubting your caregiving journey with family members or parents, you know, there's a

extraordinary gift there, ⁓ that you can heal a relationship with them and get to see parts of you and parts of them that you would have never done had you not, had not the universe given you this opportunity to care for them. ⁓ It's so true.

Jojo (24:01)
man, that's so true because you to see them

on a totally different level. Speaking of that, what if you, we have a couple of people that we know that they know that their parent needs help, but the parent is very hesitant to accept the help or accept that they have a problem. Do you have any advice in that situation?

Susanne White (24:25)
I can only tell you what happened for me in my, because it's different for every situation because I'm care assisting for another member of my family right now. In other words, it's a chronic illness as opposed to a dementia. So it's a different kind of journey. But I've cared for other family members now since my parents and everybody's different, none of us want help. That's the...

Jojo (24:49)
No one wants

help.

Susanne White (24:51)
So to remember that, that's the first thing to remember that like, you know, like I was like, got it. You know, like when my sister babies me and like, I'm like, what are you doing? I'm fine. You know, you're treating me like I'm 90. So I was like my mom, you know? So my mom was very independent and did not want help from anybody, especially me. And it was tough going and it did not happen overnight. And part of the dance that we did was that I would bring something up.

And then she would kind of freak out and I would kind of pull back and then I would try to be patient as long as she was safe. You know, I would, I really had to take my time and I had to be patient, which was really hard because you're really worried and concerned. And if you have an immediate situation, then sometimes bringing in a professional or a third party who's not a family member kind of makes things a little bit easier. Like my.

Jojo (25:22)
Mm-hmm.

Susanne White (25:46)
parents, my mom's best friends were so much better for her than me. That's how we actually got her to go to the hospital ⁓ towards the end of her life was not because of me, but because of her best friend who was a retired nurse said to her, know, Claire, think you, should go. Well, you know, it's, is just temporary. Let's go go and check you out. And that made sense to my mom because it came from somebody else, but I was smart, right? But I was smart enough to have that person there. You know, like I knew, I knew like she wasn't going to listen to me. Maybe she would listen to Flossie.

Jojo (26:09)
totally.

Susanne White (26:17)
So I would broach subjects and then I would kind of back off and then broach it again and kind of back off. And as circumstances sort of shifted a little bit and I would get other people to sort of mention it, you know, it's a dance.

Jojo (26:31)
Yeah, you're not forcing it all at once. It's not going to happen all at once. Like an inner vision.

Susanne White (26:36)
And

again, unless there's an emergency or there's a very urgent matter, then I would get as much backup as you can from other people and trusted support system, family and friends. But yeah, you just have to go, you got a soft pedal. We tried, I was long distance for a bit ⁓ and it was so difficult for me to go take care of them in the four, three or four days I had.

once a week and the pills and the medications and the doctor's appointments and the whole thing. And then I had to clean because my mom didn't want anybody in her house. And we all know, we all know what that takes. So I wanted to get somebody in to help me. And I'm telling you, I did the dance with her for like weeks and weeks and weeks. And finally I got someone from her church who she knew from her church to come in and just say, stay for a little bit.

as a visit and say, you know, let me do this a little bit. and then she would kind of put her around the house. And we did that a couple of times. And of course, and my mom, my mom turned to me one day and said to me, I'm so happy that she's here. Why didn't, why didn't you make me do this earlier?

Jojo (27:49)
You can't win. You can't win.

Susanne White (27:54)
you know, that kind of worked. You know, like I had to be creative and she loved her and she was so good to my mom. And she, you know, and that was a nice visit for my mom. Right? But I had, you know, I had to sort of, you know, get creative, you know, you have to sort of get creative and be patient and try different things and be patient and try different things and be patient.

Jojo (28:03)
Yeah, that's true.

patient is such a big theme and it's so hard for me. my goodness it's so hard. So I know that you've been in the caregiver role for a while and you've got a lot of experience. What are some of your favorite ways because we know self-care is so important and it's so hard to stop and realize I need care too. What are your some of your favorite self-care things?

Susanne White (28:43)
Well, they constantly change and I think it's different for everybody. I think, I do know that the one thing that I don't want to hear from somebody is you should take care of yourself. Like that's, you you want to smack, yeah, right? You want to smack those people. Yeah, shut up. That's one thing. And I also think that, like I said, it's different for everyone. And I think it gets back to self-awareness. I think we really need to be aware, to check in. I had one particular situation with my mom.

Jojo (28:55)
Yeah

Susanne White (29:12)
where I was trying to help her and I was trying to clean her and it was really necessary for me to clean her and she got really agitated and she was like, really, and it was horrible. And I realized how angry I was getting, like, I, which is normal, although I was at a boiling point and I think that was really good that that moment happened for me, because I, you know, and I could at the time and I said, you know what, and I left the room.

Jojo (29:26)
Which is normal.

Susanne White (29:38)
And I kind of like, and I was like, wow, that's, you know, like you're really over the top. And I think that, you know, it was that point where I realized how important it was to check in with myself. think that really starts your self care routine. And it's gotta be a routine, you know? Well, you know, like I would set a timer sometimes. Like if I was really stressed out,

Jojo (30:00)
Okay, can you tell us more about

Susanne White (30:08)
you know, smartphones, I would set a timer just to check in with me.

Jojo (30:13)
Yeah.

Susanne White (30:15)
Like three o'clock, maybe, you know, 12, 15, three o'clock and go, you know, and was sort of, and there's a wonderful little thing that, a little ritual that I have called HALT, which is H-A-L-T. So you halt, you stop and you ask yourself these questions. H, am I hungry? So like, how's my body doing? Right.

Jojo (30:34)
Ask myself that, because you forget.

Susanne White (30:36)
It's eat. forget. I, they drank or am I drinking water? So, you know, do I need to walk? I need, so everything, so hungry, H, A, angry. Am I angry? What am I feeling? What am I feeling? Do I need to go punch a pillow? Do I need to cry? You know, do I need to talk to somebody so I can just like lose it? Do I just need to listen to a song that makes me cry like music? Like, forget it. So do it. So angry then L for lonely.

Do I need to pick the phone up and talk to somebody? Am I lonely? And then T, am I tired? And so when you ask yourself these four questions, no, you can't maybe go lay down for four hours, but you could just try to find the quiet for a minute. Like if you can walk away from the room or the bed or the phone calls or the conversations or cleaning that, whatever, take five minutes. So it's sort of halt. And I think...

Jojo (31:18)
Yeah.

Susanne White (31:32)
It's a little routine that we can do every day to sort of check in and find that little thing and know that you deserve it. Cause if you do that, you're not gonna like scream at your mom, which I've done.

Jojo (31:45)
Right, and

you'll actually be a better caregiver to your mom if you're taking care of yourself. Yeah.

Susanne White (31:50)
Absolutely. mean, when

I was when I was in that pressure cooker moment, you know, I would have, you know, thank goodness, I didn't really lose my temper. But I was there like I was I was I was explosive. I was like a walking time bomb. And I didn't know it. You know, you're so in the weeds, you know, so you have to like

Jojo (32:01)
Yeah.

Yep, because you're sowing them weeds.

Susanne White (32:15)
stop and try to go, like on my shoulders, like shoulders up, like, you know, my ears or, you know, where's my stomach? Is my stomach like my throat? Am I shaking? I, you know, so you have to really kind of check. That's where self-care starts. For me.

Jojo (32:32)
Yeah. So

just for your own, from your own personal experience, do you still find that you're grieving your parents or was that more of anticipatory grief?

Susanne White (32:41)
Yes.

Well, there's all kinds of grief. mean, I always say grief is a strange companion, know, it just, it just, you know, I can just, you're fine and then bam, it's right there. So I really, I am actually, my parents died within seven weeks of each other.

Jojo (33:01)
my goodness!

Susanne White (33:03)
Right. So, and it's not funny, but it's funny. So I never really kind of, I'm still grieving them in ways. Like I'll still like get historical. I had anticipatory grief for both of them. And quite honestly, like I, at the end of my mom's, like the end of my caregiving journey, at the end of my mom's life, like we had really healed the relationship and I was spending some really quality time with her as

Jojo (33:07)
you

Susanne White (33:31)
well as I could because she had dementia. But I had a couple years there of like some really quality time with her. And now I grieve the fact that I didn't have that 20 years earlier. So I have grief about that because I'll have memories now looking back of things she did that I didn't get for me in my life or things she taught me or things she was going through, things that she

Jojo (33:44)
Yep, that is so right.

Yeah.

Susanne White (34:01)
loved in me and respected, you know, like I'm grieving. I'm like, oh my God, like I didn't, why didn't I tell her that? So I tell her now.

Jojo (34:09)
I love that. And I know she hears you. They're always with us, know, energy can't be created or destroyed. So I've spent a lot of time on your blog. I love how you've broken it down into sections like dementia care, practical advice, healthcare management, relationships. When did you decide that, you know, other people could benefit from my experience?

Susanne White (34:12)
Absolutely.

you

Jojo (34:38)
And how did you, and not only like sharing your story, but then creating a business out of it is so impressive to me. How did you decide, how did that all come about?

Susanne White (34:47)
thank you.

Well, you know, was a singer-songwriter. used to do, I was involved in the music business and I always would, I was a writer and my mom, my mom always encouraged my, my creativity. And that's one of the things that I'm so grateful for. So I was taking notes while I caring for them. And I thought, ⁓ you know, I could write this down and gosh, I...

I screwed that up. Maybe if I tell people about it, maybe they won't screw it up. So I thought, start this blog thing. What the heck? And I did. I just sort of started it. when I first went to it, I was like, can I really be honest about what was happening between my mom and me and my feelings about it? And I thought, yeah, just put it out there. And people related to it. When I was being really honest and really authentic,

Jojo (35:19)
Yeah.

Susanne White (35:43)
like I get comments or get people telling me stuff and I thought, ⁓ okay, well I have nothing to lose and I might help somebody. And I was always in promotion and marketing. So I thought, well, let me do Caregiver Warrior. Let me trademark the name and see what happens. And it's been amazing. It's been an amazing journey. And it has a life of its own. mean, it's really like, you know, cause caregivers aren't really verbal. mean, they're not really, ⁓

Jojo (35:49)
Yeah.

Susanne White (36:09)
They don't have a lot of time to make comments and they're too busy doing. But I'll get like a, I call it Twitter, I get like a tweet like out of nowhere and they'll say, hey, I couldn't tell you this when I was taking care of my mom, but she just passed and I wouldn't have gotten through it without your weapon of the days that you do here on Twitter. And I was like, And I think, it's, I'm giving,

Giving back, because I just think my caregiving journey was such an extraordinary, wonderful thing in my life, very hard. not saying it wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was excruciating at times, but I'm a completely different person from it. So I think that I could pay that forward and help other caregivers like see that, that there's joy in this. Like it's okay to have joy.

with the grief and the pain.

Jojo (37:11)
Yeah, and there is an, least for me, what I got from your blog was there is an ending point. I'm not going to be in this forever. And then I can help. mean, we have this podcast, but afterwards I can still help people. And so that it's almost like a very hopeful message that you're sending out there. That's tough, but it's, there's, there's joy in it too.

Susanne White (37:34)
There is joy in it, you know, and it's wonderful that you do this podcast, because it never, we will always have caregivers and we're growing in numbers. And every time I talk to a caregiver, I always hear them beating themselves up at one point or another in the conversation. And that is not going away. So we need so many of our voices out there to say, hey, you know, you're doing a great job. I see you. It's really tough.

but you're doing it every day. Be kind to those around you, of course, but be kind to yourself. And look, like look for the miracles, because they're going to be there. Don't be wasting so much energy worried about how well you're doing the job. Just kind of show up and see, see them smile or look at you or...

you know, live in empathy and love. Like there's a love that can come out of this that's extraordinary, which is what your mom feels from you. Like that's amazing. Like that makes the whole world better for me. And you can heal your relationship. Like you can learn enough. Like my parents couldn't change. Like my mom wasn't gonna change. I had to. The only person I could change was me. So when I was hitting a wall,

with her and with how we were getting along and what was going on, I knew I couldn't change her and I had to change me. So I learned to look in the mirror and I became a better me.

Jojo (39:10)
Yeah, totally, totally. not like this is a little off topic, but I do love to talk to women entrepreneurs. I know that when you decided to start this blog, you'd probably never started a blog before, right? What is some advice? Because I know that there's women out here listening saying, I have a story, I have a service, I have a talent, but I'm scared to start.

Susanne White (39:26)
Yeah.

Yes. It's still scary. It's still scary to do it. Like I'll still go, my gosh, I'm not getting followers. I'm not getting, know, it's the stuff we tell ourselves. So the bottom line for me was just do it. I mean, if I look back and I've been doing it for a while now, if I look back, like if I had not, if I had, I just kept at it, you know, I'm very much like my mom and we're really stubborn Irish. We're really stubborn.

Jojo (39:40)
Hehehehe

Yeah.

Susanne White (40:05)
Like I will do something until I figure it out. And that served me really well. And I would have to say to myself, be stubborn and continue because we all have a message that's really important. And if you find out what your message is and a platform that you can communicate it on, just keep ringing the bell. It takes time. It's not instant gratification. It's not like anything in life, but do it. We need to hear your voices. We are all so different.

Jojo (40:26)
Yeah.

Susanne White (40:35)
and everybody has a story to tell. And if you do it great on video, just keep doing them. I I throw a filter on and I do it. And it may work, it may not work, but it's out there. And one person, if you help one person, and that one person is even you, because you're getting something out, if you help one person, what a great day that is. So my advice is just do it. Do it, start, do it, and keep doing it.

Jojo (40:54)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, just do it.

That's how Sue and I felt. We didn't know how to run a podcast or produce one, but we just started doing it. And I told myself, 60 % is good enough. If it's 60 % good, it's good enough. And you have to not be afraid to be vulnerable and be afraid to look like a fool. I just don't care anymore. I just am who I am.

Susanne White (41:26)
Right.

Right. And that and how wonderful that is. mean, it's amazing. We have to, and I'm a recovering perfectionist, I always say. So I wanted to do everything perfectly because that was my safe zone. I feel safe if I know everything and I look like I know everything and I still do it to this day. You know, I work on it. I'm recovering. We can't worry about looking good. It doesn't matter. No, nobody cares. Like they're so busy. Nobody cares. Nobody's watching you.

Jojo (41:51)
No one cares!

Susanne White (41:55)
I know we think, you know, I love horses and I just saw a thing on the back of a truck, is great. the saying was, live like somebody left the gate open. Which for horse people, really understand this. It's like dance like nobody's watching. But for horse people, it's like, live like somebody left that gate open and you could just run and do whatever you want because the gate's open.

Jojo (42:09)
Yes!

The gates open and no one cares.

Susanne White (42:24)
No one cares and you're the one that opens the gate. Like you're the one that keeps the gate closed. My gate, I'm the only one that can close my gate and my gate's way too closed way too often.

Jojo (42:35)
Me too, man that's so good. That'll preach. That'll preach, Susan.

Susanne White (42:38)
Great!

Jojo (42:41)
Okay, so as we're wrapping up, do you have any final words of encouragement for caregivers out there right now ⁓ that you'd want them to hear today?

Susanne White (42:51)
that you're doing a great job. You're just doing a great job. know, a lot of people, and this is a big conversation, especially with like siblings or family members, they don't show up for me. They don't help me. They can't. We have to let them go. They can't do it. They're not able to show up. And I know it hurts and I know it's horrible, but we're asking somebody who can't do something to do something. You're showing up. Like that's...

Jojo (42:53)
Yep, totally. That's what I was going to say.

We can't do it.

Yep. Yep.

Susanne White (43:22)
angel work like that's miraculous like that's divine stuff showing up. It's warrior stuff. You're showing up to go to battle every day to keep those you care about safe, protected and warm. So do it and trust yourself. And if something happens and you make a mistake, it's a mistake. It's a learning opportunity. It doesn't mean your mistake. You're not a bad caregiver.

Jojo (43:27)
It's warrior stuff.

Susanne White (43:50)
If something bad happens, you're not a mistake if a mistake happens.

Jojo (43:55)
That's so good. Well, listen, Suzanne, I so appreciate you coming on and I

You Forgot (44:02)
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